If I can point to something which gave my life meaning it would have to be the pronounced spiritual awareness I carried with me into this party. I always experienced a gentleness, something living in all things I did or that were happening to me. In depression , in sadness, in joy and in elation this presence was always there. To add to things I was extremely introspective and intuitive, whatever happened externally to me only acquired meaning when I looked at it from an inner sort of place, and it became part of that dialogue between myself and this presence. Whenever I was tackling serious issue, and I had reached my limit i would place things before this inward presence. I wasn’t really aware of how deep this connection reached until last year where after some troubling moments in meditation I felt I lost myself. I felt listless like a boat without anchor at sea.
The Blackest Night
There were moments in meditation where I simply disappeared. I would come too completely unaware of how dead to the world I had been. It’s like someone pulled the electric chord. For some time this happened, just completely absorbed somewhere.
Then from the place of being gone I started to notice glimpses of myself there. There was no Dave like I know Dave, no body, no features, no identity but there was something there that was me. Time and space meant nothing, neither did mind or thoughts. Those things were gone as well, gone with such totality they never seemed to have existed. It felt like the blackest night, where there isn’t a single ray of light. Everything as we know it to be is drowned away into nothingness, but what everything really is, is here like it comes from here, this dark place.
While this was happening I started to loose sense of myself, where I belonged what I was supposed to be doing. There was only silence and no voice, no presence inside as there had been all my life. Confusion set in, what was I supposed to do, how can I decide? This confusion plagued every portion of my life and effectively razed everything to the ground. These words don’t do justice to what happened, the more I say on it the less I say on it. Never was I so incredibly lost!
A few weeks into the new year I don’t feel so lost at all. I still cant say where I am but I am grounded in something somewhere, wherever that is