Elemental changes in our being seem to reveal a person we must yet come to know, while discarding an old self that now seems absurd and incongruous. Whether the changes are triggered by sustained and deep spiritual inquiry or a traumatic experience, the result is the same – the old self becomes almost unrecognizable.
I have a deep, nagging wish that I could find the ‘one path’ and the ‘one teacher’, so as to discard all others, but I am afflicted with a curiosity that is compelled to go fossicking in all manner of spiritual philosophies.
I have always refrained from sharing much of my personal thought. I have instead always presented my thoughts idea and experiences as a stepping stone for a discussion or an exploration into some deeper thank just words.
For each person it is different how they find their particular way or path or what brings their soul the nutrition it needs. Each soul needs something different. There are as many ways to God as their are breathes of all the children of Adam as the saying goes.
From my experience, which again may or may not be in sync with anyone else’s, there came a point where I felt an unearthly need that dominated everything thing I did. There was an immediacy that plagued me at work on the way home on the way to work, in my sleep etc. It was at that point that I said I give up. There is a Rumi poem that always comes to mind:
The Friend, who knows a lot more than you do,
will bring difficulties and grief and sickness,
as medicine, as happiness, as the moment when you’re beaten,
when you hear Checkmate, and can finally say with Hallaj’s voice,
I trust you to kill me.
I felt as long as I had a choice nothing would happen. Also I got tired of philosophy, philosophy at it best is always I feel (and I could be wrong) a consequence of a deeper experience -maybe I should write a post about this. This is to not to take away from philosophy it is great thing. But it pales in the face of experience I feel personally. Ultimate to stop my rambling on this I had to brought to a place of surrender I feel and then something opened and became possible.
The more I meet old friends, they say I’m still the same knuckle head/Douche Bag I have always been but I have changed. Spiritual experience and trauma are one and the same and there is a whole essay Dr. Ozelsel mentions in her book 40 Days.
The personality is slowly and slowly worked on broken down and rebuilt. Its a strange process. Copper doesn’t know its copper till its be changed to gold as is said. Its the alchemy of the path and is remarkable every time one takes a look at one’s self.